A Grandma update - and a funny story...

My mother-in-law, Shirley, has been moved from the hospital back to the nursing home. She is apparently doing pretty well - and there's probably less germs at the nursing home than at the hospital, what with the swine flu overtaking us. I saw a funny sign on the way to work yesterday at the Walgreen's: Flu Shots $25, Bacon $2.00. Guess they're going to eradicate swine flu one way or the other.

I was digging around in some old files and found a funny letter I'd written about Grandma, so I thought I'd share. I'm still looking for the one about Grandma and the Roomba... Here goes:

Okay, my powers of observation have gotten the best of me and I have to vent. It’s actually sort of funny, if you try to picture this. My mother-in-law is a trip. She’s really just this nondescript looking sort of old lady, but it’s her little quirks that are so entertaining – well, sometimes. She has a plethora of sayings that we call Shirley-isms. Here are a few: “I’m just so g-d-damned disgusted I don’t know what to do.” Disgusted about what or by whom, we don’t know, but there you have it. We’ve decided that maybe she doesn’t really know what disgusted means. During moments of silence, when other people say nothing at all: “Oh, sh-t.” When asked for advice: “Well, sh-t in one hand and wish with the other and see which one fills up first.” I don’t think so. And my all time favorite, which I do not understand at all: “You talk like a man with a paper a--hole.” I mean, what can that possibly mean? And what sane person would even say that? Now, reread those gems with the same accent as the Swedish chef on the Muppets, and you have my mother-in-law. You can also throw in some completely unintelligible made-up allegedly Pennsylvania Dutch words – another misnomer I don’t get because they aren’t Dutch at all – they’re German. Why isn’t it Pennsylvania Deutsch? Wouldn’t that make more sense? Anyhow, I try to ignore most things, but there are others that really get to me. During this particular visit, I actually noticed her table manners for the first time. I was horrified, to say the least, but I chalked it up to being completely fizzed over the length of her stay and my uptight upbringing by devotees of Emily Post. Well, it was a dinner to remember. Tim grilled steaks for dinner and much to my surprise, she ate most of hers with her hands. She would saw off a chunk – none of them bite-size and then pick it up in her hands and gnaw on it. I made garlic cheese biscuits and at one point, I saw her stuff an entire half a biscuit into her mouth at one time. I had made a dozen, so there was no shortage, but still... Then – the baked potatoes – which she also ate with her hands – a quarter of a potato at a time, down the hatch. Okay, I admit that in my own home I am not as cognizant of the size bites I take or whether or not I hold my fork properly, but Good Lord! In my worst moments of binging in front of the refrigerator, I have never stuffed my mouth as full as that. My mother would have rapped the woman on the knuckles with her knife! My grandmother would have backhanded her! And then – I set the table with placemats and napkins – don’t most people use those? Anyhow, she wanted a paper towel because “it don’t make sense getting these napkins dirty.” I replied, “They’re washable – we use them all the time.” She just made a face at me and got up to get herself said paper towel. Later Tim said that she always tells him that she doesn’t eat, but he said that when he goes down to her house (an hour away) and takes her out to dinner, she eats everything in sight! What surprised me is that she always looks at what I’ve cooked like it’s a pile of manure that I’ve tried to serve her – and then she eats like there’s no tomorrow – and follows it up with criticism about every part of the meal! All I know is that it’s a damn good thing that I don’t have houseguests on a regular basis. Either that, or I need to loosen up. I think I’ll start with trying to cram a large chunk of potato down my throat… Or someone else’s!