When things get to be too much...

It's only human to have a little meltdown.  I don't know if being cooped up at home finally got to me, or the looming car repair bill, or having to ask people to drive me around for the past three weeks - but when the mechanic finally told me today that I needed to take Ray to yet another repair shop, I finally gave in to the tears I've been struggling to hold back for the past couple of days.  I felt defeated and alone.  Just when I thought things were on an even keel and I was doing all right emotionally and financially - I encountered yet another challenge to overcome.  I pulled myself together long enough to find, after several fruitless phone calls, an old Isuzu dealership in Venice that could help me - and Ray Isuzu.  By the time I hung up, it was too late to call AAA to arrange for Ray to be towed to Venice, so I'll have to do that tomorrow.  I was still feeling incredibly stressed out and so like the very human person that I am I cried, yelled at no one in particular and cried some more.  I decided that I had just about enough for one day so I turned the ringer off on the phone and retired to the sofa with Aggie and Peter for some unconditional pet love and sympathy.  When I had calmed down enough to try a more prayerful attitude, I realized that things were really not so bad.  I mean, there are rebuilt and after market parts available, the service manager at the dealership told me that his Isuzu mechanics had been working on those vehicles for fifteen years and they had all the software necessary to reprogram my car.  The repair bill still isn't in my budget, but miraculously, one of my deadbeat clients came and paid me half the balance he's owed me for a year and when I checked my voice mail, one of my favorite clients, Robert Redford (I'm not kidding - that's his name), called and wants to bring me his last two years worth of taxes.  I have to work at the tortilleria on Wednesday, so I'm more than halfway to being able to afford $800 to repair Ray - and that's a worst case scenario.  While my meltdown certainly seemed to relieve the pent up frustration and stress I was experiencing, I only really felt better after I sat quietly and gave my cares to Someone bigger than me.  It seems that I can never remember the words of Psalm 46:10 when I need them most: "Be still and know that I am God."

Already?

Is it the end of February already?  This month has flown by – but then I’ve been really, really busy – and it's been better than last year and I finally feel like I have my head above water for the first time in a long time.  I’ve learned that I never lost the ability to take care of myself – something I had come to doubt in recent years.  God has been so good to me this past year and I am so thankful for His guiding and protective Hand in my life.  I’ve finally learned patience and to be willing to allow God to provide for me in His time – He’s never failed to send me work and other opportunities yet and I have faith that He will continue to bless and guide me.  I’ve also learned that when I share what I have, He showers me with blessings equal to and most times greater than what I’ve shared with others in need.  My dad taught us to share many years ago – and it’s a lesson I’ve never forgotten.  Thank you, Lord, for a wonderful beginning to this new year.

I have this stumbling block...

and its name is Patience.  I have spent so many years trying to run my life on my own timetable, and being a complete control freak, that I have lost all perspective when it comes to practicing patience.  I've lost sight of the art of being still and waiting patiently for God to work in my life.  My inability to control everything manifests itself in worry - which has got to be the most counter-productive activity known to man.  I woke up this morning, after a fitful night's sleep, determined to just let my worries go.  What's one more day in the big scheme of things, I told myself.  I spent some time paging through my old Living Bible which I haven't really used since college and my discovery of the New International Version.  Seek and ye shall find.  The words I needed to read were all right there in front of me.  I just had to stop, breathe and be still.

Let Him have all your worries and cares, for He is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you.  I Peter 5:7

I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart!  And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives.  So don't be troubled or afraid. 

John 14:27

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs, and don't forget to thank Him for His answers.  If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand.  His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ.  Phillippians 4:6-7

Fear Not, for I am with you.  Do not be dismayed.  I am your God.  I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with My victorious right Hand.  Isaiah 41:10

And we know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into His plans.  Romans 8:28

I know all these things.  I have known them in my heart since I was a little girl.  But sometimes I try to move one seat over and try to do things my way and go off in the direction I want to go.  When I read these words this morning, for probably the thousandth time, I felt the same familiar comfort they always bring.  I need to stay in that comfort zone - and stop trying to create my own.

A worthy goal - but a daily struggle.

Random musings...

Today I am thankful for:

Fall - or what feels like might become fall soon.

Instant maple brown sugar oatmeal.

Clean socks.

Intuit Online Payroll and how easy it makes helping my clients.

Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs.

Herbal tea.

Blank composition books.

Adopt a Shelter Pet postage stamps.

Mini pumpkins that last from before Halloween until Thanksgiving.

Krusteaz Banana Bread mix.

God's daily provision for my needs.

If only...

it were so easy.  But I tell you, prayer is the only thing that works.  I saw myself heading for full-on worry mode today and I just prayed for God to take the burden away from me.  Within a couple of hours, two of my wayward clients called and made appointments to bring their 2009 tax paperwork by so they can file by October 15th!  I am also going to start doing bookkeeping and payroll for the longtime landscaping client who has finally realized that this once-a-year thing isn't working to his advantage.  I know there are doubters who think that the new work is just a coincidence, but I know it isn't. 

Thought for the day...

God is a big God and He is crazy about me.

Comforting, isn't it?

I just read the Proverbs 31 devotional for today

and I love this thought!

When will I learn...

to stop worrying about everything?  Philippians 4:6 reminds us: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And I try not to worry, I really do, but over the past year with everything that's happened, I get in these end-of-the-month oh-no-what-am-I-going-to-do panics.  It affects my whole outlook on life - and I wonder if that's why I was feeling so negative last week.  Subconsciously I was working up to my full-blown tizzy - I don't know.  So last night I prayed for peace (and for my clients to pay up - honestly, I think some of them think that this is my hobby!) and gave thanks for the blessings God has given me.  I balanced my checkbook this morning and pondered whether to pay the electric bill or my car payment.  Or the phone & internet bill.  I called one of my delinquent clients to give them some information they requested and asked if they had sent the form they needed to sign back to me yet.  No - so I knew a check wasn't on the way from that front.  I'm not going to worry, I told myself; I have a few days yet until my financial situation reaches critical mass.  Peter hopped up on the desk for a pet and then - the phone rang.  It was one of my clients calling to tell me that he wanted to drop off a check.  He lives over by my old office, so I told him to just drop it off with Cari at the restaurant since I need to go out anyway.  I shouldn't have worried at all - the check is more than enough to pay the electric bill and my car payment.  God provides for our needs, sometimes daily, in His own time.

Please, Lord, help me to remember that!

Divine intervention...

I can't remember if I used this graphic before, but if I have - well, it bears repeating.  I am thankful every day for the blessings that God has showered upon me - many of them in time of great need.  Even more when I'm feeling absolutely desperate.  I've been concerned lately about moving my office home in July and how I am going to make enough money every month to just keep going.  Well, yesterday, God sent me yet another opportunity - a tax client who wants me to do something for them on a monthly basis.  And I thought to myself: well, there's the electric bill.  I love how God looks out for the little things in our lives.  That thought has made today's events a little easier; I'm dealing with an unexpected auto repair right now.  I had the oil changed a couple of weeks ago - just routine service, I thought - and have had nothing but trouble since.  Today the SUV overheated terribly and the engine started making a funny noise.  The man from AAA (sounds like The Man from U.N.C.L.E, huh?) just towed it to the nice garage that helped me with my small key problem last fall.  That unexpected repair wasn't nearly as costly as I had imagined (worried!) it would be and I am praying that today's problem is of the same, low-cost variety.  Yes, everything is a blessing in disguise - I just need to keep reminding myself...

Thinking deep, theological thoughts...

A weed is no more than a flower in disguise.

James Russell Lowell

The other day a friend of mine said that she doesn't like the idea of God testing us.  She said that she doesn't think He has time to sit around thinking of things to throw our way with which to test our mettle.  I asked her if she thought God had time to watch over us and send good things our way.  "Well, of course," was her reply.  I asked her why she thought He had time for that but not time to test us.  All I got was a puzzled glance.  She admitted that she just didn't really like the idea of a God who would test our faithfulness.  "I just don't like the word test," she said.  I suggested that maybe God challenges us to make the right choices and in doing so, helps us to become better people.  She decided that she could live with an occasional challenge from above more easily than she could a test.  The whole idea of challenges from God got me thinking about how everything, from little challenges to major hurdles, is really a blessing in disguise - like James Russell Lowell's thoughts about weeds and flowers.  I've made more than my fair share of wrong choices in what were surely tests from God , but I'm learning to make the right choices much more often. 

Down but never out...

You know, I have just got to stop worrying.  I have good days when I think that I will be able to handle all of this business of life and running a business on my own and keep going and then I have days when I feel insecure and doubt my ability to be successful and take care of myself.  And just when I feel like crying and start feeling sorry for myself, God gives one of my existing clients a gentle nudge and they refer a new client to me and things start looking up again.  I need to spend more time looking up myself, I think.

And stop worrying about the future!

There shall be showers of blessing...

I have been so busy today and I am so thankful for all of the work.  And new clients - and for the old clients who bring them to see me.  When I thought I had lost almost everything last year, including my mind, God was so good to me.  He continues to provide every day.  I am grateful beyond words for the blessings of today, this week, this month...  It looks like 2010 is going to be a lot better than 2009 was!

Be careful what you ask for...

I actually printed out my 2010 Goal forms - so I'm trying to look ahead, be self-sufficient and goal-oriented.  It's only January 27, so I haven't screwed up my New Year's resolution yet.  Ha!  This morning on the way to work, I was doing my daily worry thing, mental hand-wringing and the like, and I prayed, "Lord, I need your help.  Let me be busy today."  And I was!  I had ten customers - two of them new clients!  My friend Dorene keeps reminding me that God will meet our immediate needs - I need to learn to trust in that.

I know I'm always babbling...

about how God always seems to meet my needs just in time...  But He did it again today.  I started out yesterday morning with a flat-as-a-pancake tire and the nice man from AAA came and put the spare on for me, as well as air in the other tire that looked iffy.  I got sidetracked yesterday and didn't get the spare fixed- I do that sometimes.  Ha!  So today, I was having lunch with Richard when I looked out the window and realized that the front passenger side of my SUV was listing to the left.  Not good.  And so I had to get a new tire for the dang thing - and wouldn't you know, God had just sent me a client this morning who needed to do his 2008 taxes - so not only did I have enough cash for a new tire, but enough for my prescription and cat litter, too.  See - it's proof that God loves me, He's trying to keep my 190,000+ mile vehicle going, and He hates stinky cat litter boxes.  It's been a good day.

Talk about a lesson...

I came in the office, put my stuff down and checked on the cat. Petey wasn't in his usual hiding place - he was just sitting there. He meowed at me, I filled his food bowl and water dish and off I went to the bathroom. Typical morning - then I heard this horrific crash! I went out to my desk and Pete had apparently tried to jump on the shelf mounted on the wall over my desk. He broke two of my Boyd's bear figures - one survived unscathed - and amazingly the potted plant (it's fake) didn't break when everything fell on my desk next to my computer monitor. The shelf was tilted downward, but didn't come off the wall, thank goodness! I was picking up the mess and realized that the terra cotta plant pot had hit my coaster as it fell. And here's my lesson for today: for the past couple of weeks I've been trying so hard not to let go of things and control everything in my life and just be in charge. I think God used Petey this morning to get my attention and show me that I'm not in charge at all. He broke my I'm In Charge Here coaster that I look at every day, all day - everytime I have a sip!

So I guess it's time to use a different one:

Do you think that there are really people out there who don't believe that God moves in mysterious ways?

The 7 Ups!

My dear friend Kathy from Utah sent me this in an email and it is just too good not to share. I wish the adorable teddy bears with fall leaves would copy, but alas, no such luck. So I'll post a cute picture of my own choosing:

The 7 Ups!

1. Wake Up !!
Decide to have a good day."This is the day the Lord hath made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalms 118:24

2. Dress Up !!
The best way to dress up is to put on a smile. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks."The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at outward appearance,but the Lord looks at the heart."I Samuel 16:7

3. Shut Up!!Say nice things and learn to listen.God gave us two ears and one mouth, so He must have meant for us to do twice as much listening as talking."He who guards his lips guards his soul." Proverbs 13:3

4. Stand Up!!
. . for what you believe in.Stand for something or you will fall for anything. "Let us not be weary in doing good; for at the proper time,we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good..." Galatians 6:9-10

5. Look Up !!
. . to the Lord. "I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me". Philippians 4:13

6. Reach Up !!. . for something higher. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

7. Lift Up !! . . your Prayers."Do not worry about anything; instead PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING." Philippians 4:6

A POSITIVE THOUGHT
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers every spring, and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen.He could live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.What about the Christmas gift He sent you in Bethlehem; not to mention that Friday at Calvary. Face it, He's crazy about you.

Isn't that the coolest thing? It sure brightened my day when I opened it!

I've had a busy day!

When you pray for work, God sends it! I've had such a slow summer and I have recently been faced with an immense financial need. I wasn't sure how I was going to overcome this obstacle, but I've prayed and prayed for work. And this week has been overwhelming - both with work and thanksgiving for what God has provided me with. I am amazed and humbled - and I am beginning to see the light at the end of this tunnel. And I know it's not a train coming from the other direction! Thank you for your good thoughts and prayers which I know were winging in my direction.

One of my favorite things...

I have had this little daily devotional flip thing since I was in high school. I think I paid a dollar for it at a school fundraising bazaar - I went to a non-denominational Christian high school. Oh, who I am kidding - it was a Calvinist outpost of the local Dutch Reformed Church. It didn't kill me - it just turned a Southern Baptist into one of John Calvin's elect, but I digress... Anyhow, it's called Little Gems, from the Women's Division of the World Home Bible League in South Holland, Illinois. Now if that isn't the CRC, I don't know what is! I used to keep it on the clothes rod in my closet so that every morning when I got ready for school, I could read my little gem for the day. Suffice it to say, I have had this wonderful little treasure for about thirty-six years and I still look at it every day. It's been to college with me, the various offices I've worked in, my kitchen counter - even the bathroom. I brought it to the office with me this morning, and don't you know - I have a place for it right here in front of my computer monitor. Today's quote: God give me sympathy and sense, And help me keep my courage high; God give me calm and confidence, and, please, a twinkle in my eye.

The other night I watched this movie; my friend lent it to me and gave it two thumbs up. I'd never seen it - Tim hates dry humor and Albert Brooks - and I will have to admit that some of his movies have been real stinkers (Mother, The Muse) - but Defending Your Life was actually pretty good. Albert Brooks is Daniel Miller - a guy who is afraid of success in life - and he dies when he has a head-on collision with a bus. He gets to Judgement City - which is apparently a way station before the afterlife - and he is told by his defender, Rip Torn, that he has to defend his life. He meets Meryl Streep, who is unafraid of anything and really enjoyed her life - and seems to be enjoying the afterlife - and falls in love with her as she teaches him to find joy in whatever life brings. Anyhow, the whole gist of the story was pretty thought provoking: when we are called upon to defend our lives, will we be able to say that we embraced the joy of life or were we afraid of actually living? I'm not sure how theologically correct the film is, but it was a good movie. Check it out if you've never seen it.

Why, oh why, did it have to rain today?

I had such big plans! I was at the office by 8:30 and the lady who bought my pub table came by and paid for it - but it was raining so hard, she and her husband are going to come back and pick it up on Monday afternoon. That's okay - this place is big enough for both tables for a couple of days, I thought to myself. But it just kept on raining. And raining. It's almost one - our appointed time for the trek to the storage unit and on to my apartment - it's still drizzling. As much as I don't want to make my friends, who have so graciously volunteered to help me, go out in the rain - I had such big plans. I know - God is laughing at me right about now. That happens alot, because I am always making plans. Someday I'll learn. On the other hand, this is good weather for curling up with a good book and the dogs. And maybe a nap.

In mysterious ways...

Isn't it funny how God helps us out every day? It really must have been a sign that I could not get the picture of the oak table to upload - because an hour after I listed the pub table and chairs on craigslist, a lady called me up and bought it. They are coming to pick it up tomorrow morning. The best part is that I get to keep the oak table I have loved for years now! My friends are also going to help me move my desk tomorrow afternoon and bring the oak table to the office where it has found new life as a conference table - like I have a lot of conferences. Seriously. I'm hoping we can unearth my sewing machine while we're there. Maybe - maybe not. That storage unit is packed full like twenty pounds of crap in a five pound bag.

Can you tell I'm excited about bringing my antique desk to its new home? I even hung my Queen of the Cupcakes print up in the kitchen last night. Nesting, I guess. Hee hee! I'm even redecorating my blog - how about this new look for autumn?

Today is the first day...

of the rest of my life, or so I told myself this morning as I trekked up the sidewalk from my apartment to my SUV. Get in, turn the key and while the dang thing started, it refused to keep running. So, I called AAA and asked for roadside assistance. "Is it your battery or do you need a tow truck?" asked the oh-so-polite-had-to-be-a-blonde on the other end of the line. I replied that I did not know, but I was fairly sure it wasn't the battery or the alternator, since the car started and the battery was showing charged on the meter on the dashboard. Well, thirty minutes later a battery man arrived and when I described the symptoms, he called a tow truck. Another thirty minutes and I now know that God does indeed have a sense of humor - a one-armed man driving a tow truck appeared and tentatively diagnosed the problem as a security issue with the alarm system. Mind you, this SUV does not have an alarm, but I did not want to argue. Actually, I was more fascinated with how that guy was going to manage to get that enormous SUV on the tow truck. I needn't have worried because he did just fine and I should be ashamed of myself for thinking that his handicap would stand in the way of his doing his job, but I am possessed of a warped sense of humor and I couldn't help myself. I mean, I couldn't have gotten the SUV even remotely lined up to get it on the truck - who am I kidding? I am sure I've been punished for my negative thoughts with the ever-skyrocketing repair bill. Karma, you know.

Speaking of karma, or whatever you want to call it, there is a reason why today was the first day of the rest of my life. First of all, it's September 1st and the first day of a month is always a good day for new beginning. Secondly, I've barely been coherent or able to function like a productive adult since last Tuesday morning, when my husband decided to rip my heart out and hand it to me. He does not want to be married anymore. Consequently, I am not moving to Pennsylvania or anywhere else. Tim has successfully adopted out (with the help of a family who owns a farm) all but six of our cats: Eddie, Sophie, Lucie Bee, Walter, Louie and Berny. I desperately want to bring my fourteen-year-old cat Eddie back home to Florida, but I don't hold out much hope of that happening. Apparently everyone who meets him wants to adopt him - but I've had Eddie around longer than Tim and I just can't give Eddie up. Something told me back in January that I should keep Eddie here with me, but I didn't do it because he's the head boy and the other cats loved him. He was the leader of the pack.
So anyway, I gave myself until this morning to get it together and well, you can imagine how that went. First the car problem - my friend Richard came and picked me up at the condo - we had planned to sort out junk at the office that I could either put on craigslist for sale or take to Goodwill - and then the day just sort of went downhill from there. We went to the storage unit - that tightly-packed abomination you can see above - to take pictures of my table and some other stuff, but after surveying the mess, we decided that we need to get some of the junk out of there first, so in a week or so I'm going to lead an expedition to the wilds of unit E41 and put stuff bound for the office in my friend Long's van and stuff for Goodwill in the back of my SUV. I think we can clean it out twice as fast that way and then I can take pictures of the big stuff that I plan to divest myself of since I won't be moving away.

That is some bad paragraph - and I fancy myself a writer... But you get the gist of this post - my goal today was to get it together (as best I can) and start moving on. I think I made a pretty good start - at least I have some kind of plan. I know this isn't going to be easy, but then, whose life really is?